Wishville, USA

I am living in Wishville right now. It's a place I go to in my head - there is a door in, but no door out. In Wishville, I am engaged in active daydreaming. I usually go there when I'm in front of the computer, making up alternate scenarios for my reality through research and endless tangential googling.

Sometimes, Wishville is about furniture or my immediate surroundings. Others, it's about a more disciplined yoga-ish meditation-filled lifestyle. Sometimes I'm an astrologer in Wishville. Sometimes, I'm a world traveler and adventurer extraordinaire.

Today, my Wishville is about becoming a teacher. Getting rid of the three credits between me and imminent career change. Figuring out the financial aid I'll need to make it happen.

Today, instead of engaging in my life of the present, I'm living inside the idea of "could."

My Sister Mother

I live in K's old house that she used to share with, what is now, my family, too. We gathered as a tribe on Christmas Eve for tamales and white russians, exchanging and laughter. Children, children everywhere. It was joyful and strange, my skin still stretching to accommodate all the new love and my throat still swallowing all our histories, gone before.

The lights and candles shone as we sat together on her piano bench that still lives in my dining room, sharing our thoughts and mutual admiration.

One time, at a party many moons ago, before I'd spent more than a handful of minutes with K, someone made a gossipy observation. It wasn't meant in an unkind way, but I became silent with defensiveness. I thought: "You can't talk that way about the mother of my boys!" It startled me, then.

I spent several years immersed in Orthodox Judaism. Someone used to say to me that "In Judaism, the Mother is everything." It was a sentiment I heard reflected in a Rosh Hashanah service some time later. The rabbi intoned that the men present were there for women: their mothers, their wives. At the time, I found it to be somewhat sexist. I thought: "Isn't that a classic move, we make you second class citizens, then tell you you're the reason we exist."

Now, I'm not so sure. I believe that the richness of my connection with K is greatly responsible for this integrated family life that is such a blessing to me, to my partner, to hers and to all our children. It feels as though the ancient wisdom of sisterhood informs my own tribal lore. And, while I do not pretend to know the exact alchemy that has produced my blessed luck, I like the idea that K and I have conspired together to be the architects of our family.

We are not the only participants, but it often feels as though we are the origin of the tribal life-force. I find myself mulling over the role of women in family personality. And, wondering if maybe the rabbi had a point.