Every Rose....

Let me first state that I am not interested in having another baby. No, really, I'm not interested. I know I'm 32, and now's the time if ever, but I'm not even THINKING about another baby.

Except, that I am.

I'm serious when I say both of those things. How crazy is that? I'm torn. On one hand, I would love to have a child with my beautiful partner. Would love to see his face in a child that came from me. On that same hand, I would love to be at least one of the women in the world with whom he had the experience of fatherhood. Sometimes it hurts, the disconnect between his and mine. Because there is one. Not one that is so large it causes resentment or anything like that, but it's there.

On the other hand, I could do without contributing further to the overpopulation of the planet, without the two years of donating my body to another being. The endless marathon you run as a mother. Going through all of it again sounds just.... well...

But, maybe it all seems so alluring because 1) every woman within 100 yards of my partnership is pregnant or has recently given birth - and there are a few of them, and 2) it's impossible.

That's right. My boy is snipped. For better or for worse. So, is this a case of a rose having thorns, or sour grapes? Up until recently, I thought the snipping was for the very much better. But now, I'm not sure what I feel except slightly nauseous. I know that I wouldn't want another child with anyone but C - which he can't do. It's like The Gift of the Magi with no heartwrenching gift. Just emptiness.

Did you choose not to have a child with your partner? If so, why not, and have you ever questioned your decision?

Six.

There are six reasons I am happy today:

1) I got up my gumption and still went to my masters program info session despite
- stinky armpits
- no parking which led to stinkier armpits
- running very, very late
- feeling very, very hopeless
- insane amounts of social anxiety
I got halfway home, after talking myself out of it - and then turned back around, double parked and walked in 45 minutes late like I knew what was what. And, you know what? It was worth it... because....

2) I got my transcript re-evaluated and now I'm eligible to apply for the alternative program I wanted!

3) AND I found out that the deadline for the program I want is a month and 15 days later than the other deadline

4) The weather is getting better - supposed to be 50 degrees outside in the next few days!

5) I am so lucky to be in love with the most amazing partner. Without C-Roll, I wouldn't have turned around. Not even a little.

6) 9 credits turned to six, just like that... I'm beginning to believe....

and it's a wonderful feeling.